the matthew Z project

Let me begin this post by saying the following applies to ALL men who have or are expecting children.  Although this is more geared towards men with daughters, you can imply it can be used for sons as well.  First off, whether you planned on becoming a parent or not, once reality sets in, being a daddy can be overwhelming, but with a few pointers it doesn’t all have to be stressful.

Following is a list of pointers I wish someone would have given me, but learning them on my own wasn’t all that bad.  And I know all children are different, but this should serve the purpose well and give a relative guide to being a better daddy.  Some of this will focus on mommy too.  After all, she’s a part of this just like you.

1. LOVE – Unconditional is best. No matter what, give your love unconditionally to your child.  Remember this even when your baby is screaming and crying at 3:10 in the morning after only about 30 real minutes of sleep.  They can’t talk so this is their way of communicating.  LOVE will make it all better. This also applies to situations where a child learns to provoke a response from you to gain all your attention.  They are testing the boundaries. Don’t over react and remember, you love them!

 

2. COMPASSION – This one leans a little more to the daughter bearing dads.  When your daughter comes to you obviously emotionally distraught about her dolly losing a dress…take the 3 seconds needed to compassionately comfort her that it’s okay and you’ll find it.  Or when she starts to cry after being told ‘NO’ in a stern voice…remind her of what rule was being tested and show her you love her and snuggle with her to prove it.  Showing her sympathy for her feelings will only strengthen your bond with her. Rule of thumb here – show them you understand and then distract them. Try using stories.  “Have I ever told you about the time the ducks landed in the pond and flew away with it?”  Anything will do here.

 

3. PATIENCE – I can’t stress this one enough.  I often see parents scold their children in grocery check out lines, in restaurants, and just about any other places open to the community.  Remember, children aren’t born with the same things you already know and taking a few moments to explain or let them explore an independent thought will pay off in the long run.  Also, showing patience teaches them the importance about prioritizing things and not making everything a rush.  Take this example I recently had.  My wife and I recently gave birth to a second daughter.  On the morning of our first pediatrician’s appointment, we were in a hurry to go.  I was rushing my 3 year old daughter to get her shoes and socks on.  She was doing it, just not as fast as I would do it.  Well there is good reason…SHE’S ONLY 3!  I calmly thought to myself, why can’t I wait 10 extra seconds for her to do it.  And instead of rushing her and making a seemingly simple task turn into a punishable act of not following my rules or speed, I let her finish doing it by herself and avoided any heartache in the process.  Why create a negative event, God knows we’ll all have our fair share.  One can apply patience to just about any situation and have a better outcome than if you are quick to make an instinctive, perhaps harsh, response. 

 

4. PROTECTION – I don’t mean just for your child either.  This means protect your child and mother.  This is for those fathers that aren’t with the mothers too!  A child needs their mother, more than I can emphasize with words.  For the sake of your child, protect both!  From physical harm as well as emotional harm.  If you notice mommy is having emotional issues after giving birth, play the role of the protector and get her help, EVEN if she doesn’t want or think she needs it.  By making your family feel safe, you’ll grow and nuture a much happier family.

 

5. HUMOR – If you don’t have a good sense of humor, you’re going to be in for a longer than ought to be ride.  Children are funny, in their own rite, so play along!  It can really turn out to be fun.  Also this ties back in with patience.  Pause and think why your child is laughing…besides, you’re humor may just need a fresh new perspective only a child can offer.  Chances are it is funny, you’re just denying your inner child because you ‘grew up’.  No matter how you look at it, things are just better when you make them funny.  And it’s hard to be grumpy when you’re smiling.  Try it.
   

   Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy!

6. TIME - Make time for your kids!  I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching TV while your kid works on a puzzle either.  I mean really make time for them.  Get up and play kick ball, chase imiginary monsters, run up and down the halls until mom yells at you and then involve her too!  The more time you spend with them, the happier you’ll all be.  What is so important in your hectic work life that you can’t take an hour out of your day to really play with your kids.  Exactly.  Nothing is more important.  If your kid wants to stare at ant hills in the yard, get down along side her and just…watch them.  It’s amazing to see the curiousity peaked in a child’s eye at such tiny things.  Ant hills can lead to worms, can lead to birds, can lead to just about anything! The sky is the limit…or perhaps it isn’t depending on your view.  Playing with your kid can be fun and can really build their imaginations.  I’m talking forts in the couch, adventures on pirate ship beds, and anything else that they find fun! 

 

7. CONSISTENCY – For all things be consistent.  Rules, punishments, schedules.  BE CONSISTENT.  Children are like grand old time pieces.  They are unconsciously driven by consistent routines.  For rules, if you give a warning, hold to it.  It shows what boundaries can and can not be tempered with.  They’ll thank you for it later.  For punishments, be just and consistent.  Make sure the punishment fits the crime.  Don’t allow kids to play mom and dad against each other.  If a child asks mom and doesn’t get the desired response, a time out should be suitable for asking dad the same question.  Playing sides can be dangerous.  Try to keep things such as bedtime and naps consistent.  Meals should be somewhat set by your child.  They aren’t adults and don’t have your appetite. Don’t change too many routines at once, but rather implement a slow change approach.  Change to kids is difficult on any level.

 

8. ALWAYS TEST THE WATER – this applies to running water for cleaning hands as well as bath water.  Sounds simple, but not doing it can be so devastating.  And always, ALWAYS, shut off the hot water first.  Nothing is more terrifying then turning off the cold only to realize she’s going to wash away soapy suds on her hand before you can get to the hot water.  So rather than leave it to chance, just turn off the hot water first.

 

9. DON’T BRIBE – I once read that no kid would ever eat broccoli with the promise of getting ice cream for doing so.  Once ice cream is on the brain, no way will they eat broccoli. Sweets on the brain won’t block the taste so don’t do it.  Give dull foods first.  Make believe their a dinosaur chomping through trees.  And don’t bribe kids to the park or playground with the offer of candy or whatever else.  Doing so implies the only good thing about the park or playground is the candy or bribe.  Let the intrinsic value of the park be reward enough.  Let kids be kids.  Bribing only creates brats!

 

10. COMMAND(s) – Commands MUST be obeyed.  Try to limit the amount you give.

A couple small pointers as well that don’t necessarily need a list.  Don’t pay too much attention when you kid is crying.  Pay attention when they are being good. Praise often and participate even more.  It’ll go a long way. Don’t create entertainment for them, let them entertain themselves.  Independence will start them on the right road.  Let them handle problems that arise with other children there age, only stepping in when necessary.  How will you know when that is?  Easy, time will teach you. I hope you find some of these helpful.  matthew Z